February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day, Creeps

Your heart is a lump of meat, rather tough to eat.
Happy Valentine's Day.

October 28, 2010

The Problem with Hair

First of all, it gets stuck between teeth/fangs pretty easily.

It doesn't digest well.

Ever coughed up a hairball? It sucks.

The best I can suggest is to shave the little buggers before you eat them. Knit a sweater with the fuzz. Use it to soak up the stains after an oil change.

September 23, 2010

A Guide to Nutrition: Part 1

Labels can be confusing, but we're here to help.

  • Lowfat or Lean - these are generally athletes, runners especially. Offensive linemen (in football) might be an exception to this rule. Remember: a lowfat snack will be a little more muscular and as such, tougher to chew.
  • Light - generally refers to snacks under 5' tall.
  • Greek Style - clothing free, just like the ancient Olympians.
  • Frozen - hang them from hooks in the walk-in freezer, but make sure you have the teeth to manage.
  • Blended - these snacks have just had a snack of their own. Hit the middle, and get a mashed up surprise! What did your snack have for lunch?

September 2, 2010

Advice for Writers

Don't hit 'em with the sledgehammer too early...kills the suspense.

Start small, say with a 16 oz hammer to the big toe. Bring in the knives later. The blood congeals and clogs the keyboard, so take it easy.

May 11, 2010

Slow Cooking

I'm a raw meat monster, myself.

But when you only to manage to grab one of the slow ones, say an old man with a walker or a kid who is still pretty uncoordinated, you can't beat slow cooking with a little bay leaf. The slightly floral aroma is just magic, and it takes the bitterness out of old bones.

April 30, 2010

Snack Size

I peer through the bushes at a playground of squealing children.

No, I think. Not today.

I'm much too hungry for the snack size.

April 27, 2010

Tentacles are Overrated

I must say, having a score of rather long tentacles myself, their function as monstrous apparatuses is far overrated. Without proper skeletal structure, the poor things just tire too easily, especially when squishing humans. Then what am I left with? Long, floppy-rubber arms.

How scary are long, floppy-rubber arms?

April 22, 2010

On Guns

Guns are for murderers whose knives aren't sharp enough. Don't be that guy.

April 21, 2010

Fresh Meat

Always...always eat the body before the blood has a chance to congeal. Well-circulated blood really helps the crunchy bits go down. Yum.

March 3, 2010

Tastes Like People

When I hear that all meat tastes like chicken, I can't help but chortle, especially when survivors of a plane crash in the mountains or some Donner-party wannabes get lost and eat their dead.

Human beings taste like people, not chicken.

Except in soup. Everything tastes like chicken in soup. Even people parts in beef broth.